Dr. Ballon's Horrible Blog

2010 Read List

2010-12-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

I only managed to finish 20 books in 2009, but to be fair 4 of them had over 1,000 pages each. The last half of the year was dominated by the Song of Ice and Fire series, which was very well worth it. 2010 will see (hopefully) Book 5, plus a few holdouts that I wasn't able to get to last year, like the latest Hitchhiker's Guide and Discworld entries. Suggestions are always welcome!

Check out the list after the break:

1. A Feast for Crows, George R. R. Martin— B+ —Very exposition-heavy and lacking some favorite characters, this one is a good set-up for the forthcoming book, but not as good as the others on its own merits. Unfortunately, it won't be until September that the next book is released.
2.Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut— A- —I realized that I never finished this book, after starting it freshman year of college, so I started over. Probably the most heart-wrenching of Vonnegut's books, and yet somehow devoid of all emotion. A true classic.
3. Bluebeard, Kurt Vonnegut— B+ —Another Vonnegut that I neglected years ago. A good read, but not one of my favorites.
4. And Another Thing..., Eoin Colfer — Currently in Progress p.38
5. Wonder Boys, Michael Chabon — B+
6. Unseen Academicals, Terry Pratchett — Currently in Progress p.60

Prepare Yourselves!

2010-02-20T23:26:00.001-08:00

Diversify. 4-15-10.

damn bovines

2009-11-02T12:32:00.000-08:00

{ Sent at 3:13 PM on Monday }
me: today has actually been going by quickly
how did that happen?
michelle: i dont know--but youre right!
me: i blame daylight savings time
michelle: dont blame it--thank it!
its dark soooo early now though
I hate it
me: yeah wtf
stupid time
cows don't care what time it is
but cows are also a bunch of jerks!
so now i don't know who to trust

Short.

2009-10-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

me (to Doug): how did that jay-z song go?
welcome to new york, home of the rapping tomato?

My New Dream

2009-09-25T07:50:00.000-07:00

Fantastic Fest is happening right now in Austin, TX. Aside from really wanting to be there, it got me thinking, and not for the first time. It is being put on by the Alamo Drafthouse, which is a crazy cool independent movie theater that shows everything from big Hollywood hits to weird genre films to tiny indies.

I think Staten Island needs a place like this, a catch-all for awesome. My vision is a 2-3 screen theater, where one or all screens are sunken in behind a stage for comedy and musical performances. The lobby would be fashioned with a fully stocked beer bar, including at least one house brew. There would also be a good-food-with-reasonable-prices restaurant/ café, so you can spend an evening with dinner-movie-bar all in one place.

A yearly film festival, midnight movies, genre nights, classics, new releases, comedy, music beer, food, even merch (a la the Drafthouse's Mondo Tees. It would be a great way to get people to Staten Island, and a great alternative to the (mostly) crap that's there now. It's what we need, and I can envision it being wildly successful.

Here's my problem – I wouldn't even know where to start to get something like this rolling. Ideas? Permits? Locations? Money? Where do you begin? I need a partner, someone with a little bit of savvy and expertise, who shares my vision and knows what to do about it. If anyone knows somebody like this… please tell them to contact me. I need to get this done before Mr. Burns sells Staten Island to New Jersey.

2 Steps Back.

2009-08-24T10:57:00.001-07:00

I want to write more, but somehow everything I think I want to write about is so horribly depressing, whiny, and emo. I'm fast approaching 25 (less than 2 weeks away), and yet my inner blogger is stuck in high school. Maybe I'm not ready for this. Maybe I should go back to Livejournal.

...

No, I think that's a bad idea.

2009 Read List

2009-08-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to do this for years, and always forgot until maybe July or August. This year, I only forgot until February! Anyway, this post will be constantly updated as a compendium of books I've read so far this year. I'm a moderately slow reader, and really only have time to do so during my commutes each day, so it may be a while between updates.

Now for the list:

1. Double Whammy, Carl Hiaasen— B
2. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, Michael Chabon— A+
3. Personal Days, Ed Park— B+
4. Girl Factory, Jim Krusoe— B
5. Then We Came to the End, Joshua Ferris— B+
6. Speaker for the Dead, Orson Scott Card— C+ —A decent story that gets too bogged down by the weight of its Mormon theology.
7. Strip Tease, Carl Hiaasen— B+ —Try to forget that this was ever made into a movie... this book deserves so much better than what it got.
8. Indignation, Philip Roth— A- —I just love Roth's writing style. I've only read 4 of his books so far; I need to get my hands on some more.
9. The Yiddish Policemen's Union, Michael Chabon— C+ —The story got a little too big for its own good, and lost its focus a bit at times. After Kavalier and Clay, I wanted to love this, but just can't.
10. Cross Country, James Patterson— C —When did Alex Cross turn into Jack Bauer? This book would've been better if it didn't bastardize an established character.
11. Behind the Scenes, or Thirty Years as a Slave, and Four Years in the White House, Elizabeth Keckley— B- —Read for Book Club at work. Interesting look into the minutiae of Mrs. Lincoln's private life, from POV of her dress-maker. A bit gossip-y, though. ETA: Apparently, there's a whole controversy about this book, that I did not know about going into it. Read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Keckly#Behind_The_Scenes.
12. Please, Peter Darbyshire— B —I'm getting a little tired of these "quirky for the sake of quirky" books, with no real plot line. This one was at least quick and mildly entertaining.
13. Shogun, James Clavell— A —The epic I was waiting for. Points lost for a slightly disappointing ending, but overall a work of staggering beauty. I need to get the miniseries to see if it comes anywhere close to doing this book justice.
14. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman— A- —I'm as surprised as you are that I hadn't already read this. Oozing with wit, it had just enough fantasy to keep me from getting bored. It didn't get a full A for a few tired old cliches stuck in there, but nonetheless it was thoroughly enjoyed.
15. The Posthumous Memoirs of Bras Cubas, Joaquim Maria Machado de Assis— C+ —Read for Book Club at work. Perhaps in Brazil in the 1850s this was funny, but I failed to see much humor in it at all. The concept (an autobiography being written by a dead man) and style (short chapters, some only one or two sentences, some consisting entirely of ellipses) are groundbreaking for its time, but the content just could not hold my interest.
16. A Game of Thrones, George R. R. Martin— A —A completely engrossing and terrifically written tale of intrigue, war, and family that begins a 6-book epic series (Books 5 and 6 have not been released yet). Hopefully I'll have my hands on the second book soon.
17. A Clash of Kings, George R. R. Martin— A —Starting right where Game left off, this one ups the ante by starting a war between 5 self-proclaimed "Kings" for the rights to one throne. Fantastic.
18. Fluke, Christopher Moore— B- —Had a bit of a slow, predictable start, but ended up anything but. Wildly inventive story with touches of brilliance, but the writing falls a bit flat at times. I'll check out more of his stuff, though.
19. A Storm of Swords, George R. R. Martin— A —The story continues in Book 3, this one focusing on religion and politics. No character is safe from Martin's pen.
20. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan— C+ —One of the problems with a book that moves at breakneck speed is that everything is too convenient. I can see how this book influenced Hitchcock and hundreds of other writers and filmmakers through the years. Definitely worth a read, though you may groan a few times.
21. A Feast for Crows, George R. R. Martin— Currently in Progress

More to come!

Oh yeah, I remember going to Japan.

2009-07-28T13:49:00.000-07:00

Here, finally, is a selection of pictures. If you want to see them all, you're crazy, but just ask.

Japan!!!!!

How was the trip? Awesome is an understatement.

Yet again, I prove that I'm bad at this.

2009-06-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

It's about that time again—time for me to revisit this blog and promise that I will use it more faithfully in the future. It used to happen once every few months on my old Livejournal, and I'm afraid I've let this new one fall by the wayside as well.

Well, I'll have you (all 3 of you) know that I'm working on tagging and captioning my Japan pictures, and I aim to have them up within the next 2 weeks. With them will hopefully come some stories, not only for your sake, but for mine as well, so I can remember everything that happened, and have some do's and don'ts for when I make my triumphant return.

I'll be starting to teach myself the language soon, beginning with Hiragana and Katakana, continuing with vocabulary and grammar, and slowly but surely trying to learn as many Kanji as possible. Stay tuned, for it will all be here in due time, I promise!

The One Crazy Thing Each Day Project

2009-05-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow I am off to Japan. I'd like to make it my business to do at least one crazy* thing each day. I figure if I'm going to spend 3 weeks in Japan, I might as well make the most of it.

Stay tuned to this blog for pictures, video journals, and possibly even some writing, documenting all the insanity that is Japan!

*Where "crazy" is defined as "something I would have no business doing on a normal day in America".

A Quick One, While He's Away

2009-04-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

me: I see the way she looks at you.
Doug: With her eyes?
me: Mostly.

On Being a Vampire

2009-03-26T11:21:00.000-07:00

me: You should stab her with your pencil.
Miriam: I want to. It's already got my blood on it. [She cut her arm with said pencil earlier]
me: Yeah, and then she'll turn into a vampire.
Miriam: I'm not a vampire!
me: Well then somebody's been feeding me misinformation!

It's All in the Wrist

2009-03-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

The following took place about 10 minutes ago, between me and my neighbor at work.

me: Do you have any Benadryl?
Miriam: Why, are you OK?
me: I'm fine, I just noticed some red spots on my wrist, and they're pretty itchy. It might be an allergic reaction to something.
Miriam: Oh. Well, where have you put your wrist lately?
me: Nowhere that my hand hasn't been!

A new perspective

2009-02-24T13:56:00.001-08:00

So now I'm thinking this thing should be used mostly for snippets of conversation: short dialogs, littered with the feelings of a particular time, allowing me to not have to go back through my google chat search function to remember what that funny thing someone said was. I can then look back fondly on how insane and inane my friends' conversations were, and possibly use them in a future written work. To wit:

Tony: sigh
life is soooo hard
me: yeah
totally

Revelations

2009-01-29T09:42:00.001-08:00

I told myself I wasn't going to use this blog as a chat log, but sometimes things are too stupid to pass up. Case in point, this recent chat with J:

me: do you know, that all this time, i've been really stupid
Jessica: I'm glad you just realised such
me: yes
i realized yesterday
Jessica: haha how so?
me: so i reserve a lot of books from the library, and generally get them sent to the one on victory blvd
even though i know full well the st george one is closer
just force of habit
Jessica: oh geez
me: and i always get pissed when i cant return the books on time because the library closes so early most days
Jessica: when you could get there quicker if it were closer
good job
me: right
so
JUST YESTERDAY
it dawned on me
that i work in the same building as a branch of the nypl
Jessica: omg
me: it's the science, industry, and business branch
but apparently they do holding and returning and all the normal stuff too
although their main function is as a reference library
and hence, i'm a moron
Jessica: hahaha
how long have you been working there?
A+
me: 1 year, 8.5 months
yeah

A Look to the Future.

2008-11-24T08:48:00.000-08:00

A checklist for success:

1. Let the economy collapse
2. Lose your job
3. Become addicted to drugs, to ease the pain
4. Spend all your non-existent retirement savings on drugs, to be left destitute
5. Stab someone repeatedly in the neck, then set fire to her apartment
6. ???
7. Profit!

By the way, that fire/ stabbing happened across the street from my house. See?

Serendipity

2008-11-19T14:07:00.000-08:00

Serendipity. That's the word Tony used to describe last night, and I tend to agree. It was just one of those nights where everything fell into place with a minimum amount of effort and a maximum amount of spontaneity. I haven't had one of those in a long time, but I've noticed they tend to happen when hanging out with Tony...

The night started with Quantum of Solace at Union Square. I could go on about how I don't fully understand people's gripes with the movie, but I think Moriarty of Ain't it Cool News said it better than I ever could. Suffice it to say that while it wasn't perfect, I enjoyed it, and hope the series continues in this direction.

We got out of the movie and took the 6 down to Canal Street. We were heading to a party for the launch of Behance's new Action notebook. Free beer and free vodka, what could be better? We got out of the station and started heading to Santos Party House, but not before passing the self-proclaimed "Excellent Dumpling House". The idea was now firmly rooted in our heads: we'll have a drink or two, then get some delicious dumplings.

We met up with Tony's friend Charlene outside of the club, and headed for the door, where stood a female sentry with a clipboard of doom. Tony and I both had e-mailed our RSVPs, so there was no reason for either of us to not be on the list. Tony was first in line, so he gave his name, then gave it again, then spelled it. No luck. Tony kept his cool, though, and obviously the girl was feeling a little chilly herself, so she let us all pass without any further clipboard checking. I chalk it up to Tony's incorrigible suaveness, multiplied by the recent Bond viewing.

The space was actually pretty cool, with a couch pit and a neat fake-brick perspective wall drawn on in fluorescent paint, making the club look much longer than it actually is. As we entered, Scott, the leader of Behance, was just about to make his introductory speech, as if he was waiting for us to arrive. He spoke for a few minutes, and the reverie continued. As it turned out, we were able to approach him immediately, Tony introducing Charlene and I. Scott then invited us up behind the DJ booth, where there was a VIP section complete with its own bottles of booze. We had a drink each, and then decided it was high time for dumplings, and left surreptitiously, avoiding Scott's potential inquiries as to why we wouldn't stay longer.

To our dismay, however, when we crossed the street we found that Excellent Dumpling House was closed! The proprietress was sweeping the floor and getting ready to leave. We were a little distraught, and Tony and Charlene immediately got on their iPhones for help in finding a new, comparable place. Our sadness mounted as we began to read all of the articles and reviews posted in the window, which seemed to confirm the restaurant's name.

A cold wind blew as we stood outside the restaurant, looking longfully at the menu and wishing we had hot, fresh dumplings in our stomachs to warm us up. As the wind passed, I noticed the neon sign inside the restaurant shake. I had to do a double-take, as I was sure the plate glass was thick enough to keep out the wind. When I looked again, I could see a small, gray head nuzzling the bottom of the sign. It was a shop cat, and it instantly pulled Tony and Charlene's attentions away from their iPhones. We stood playing with the cat through the glass for a few minutes, until the lights went out and the owners came outside to pull down the shutters. We began to walk away, considering going to the restaurant next door, but not with our hearts' full content. Suddenly, Charlene came up with a brilliant idea: ask the shop owners where they would eat! We went back and Tony approached them. The woman pointed us to a place around the corner (notice how she didn't tell us to go next door), and off we went.

Just from the look of the place, we knew we had struck gold. Every inch of wall space was covered with bright-colored construction paper announcing practically the entire menu. There was a tree in the middle, still festooned with pumpkins from Halloween and faded red hearts from a Valentine's Day long past. The table next to us was enjoying a boiling pot of broth with various vegetables they were cooking themselves. We ordered some steamed and fried dim sum and bubble teas to start, in complete disregard of price or any other normal meal considerations. The plates came, and we tried to decide on some entrees. We went with Sweet and Sour Chicken and a BBQ beef special, recommended by the waitress. The chicken was surprisingly citrus-y, and the beef was sliced thin, very tender and delicious. We leaned back, satisfied in our choices, and ruminated on the way the events of the last few hours had transpired.

Spontaneity was the key to our adventure. From being let in to the club, to approaching a seemingly unapproachable man and ending up in a VIP section, to asking a restaurateur where she would eat and even asking the waitress for her beef dish recommendation. I've realized some of my best memories have stemmed from spontaneity, and it makes me wonder why I can't be spontaneous more often, and what the catalyst is when I actually am.

I was reminded of an adventure Tony and I had about 2 years ago, when we were both feeling a bit down for various reasons, and were looking for fun things to do to keep ourselves busy. We went to a bar trivia night in the Village, to try to meet some intellectuals and possibly win some free drinks in the process. Suffice it to say that we didn't win, but we did end up with the best consolation prize of the bunch: a box of chocolate chip Eggo waffles. As soon as we got the waffles, it became our mission to find a toaster oven and eat our delicious bounty that night.

We walked all the way to Washington Square Park, and were beginning to think that our search was hopeless, when I spotted a young man struggling to carry a cabinet full of various items down the street. When he got to the corner we were stopped at, I made him a proposition: we would help him carry his stuff back to his apartment, if he would let us use his toaster oven to cook our delicious waffles. Now, I realize that this could have ended in any number of ways, but luckily, it ended in our favor. He accepted our offer, and we made our way to his place, which was actually in an NYU-owned building, overlooking the Park.

We spent the next few hours there, chatting with him and eating waffles, and it was glorious. He and Tony both worked in the Tech world, and he was actually an Israeli student living here on visa. It was a great night, and I owe it all to spontaneity. I hope the future brings more nights like the Eggo one and last night, where things just all fall into place. As Tony would say, times like these are nothing but serendipitous.

The Sweet Smell of Success

2008-10-30T12:18:00.000-07:00

So the Philadelphia Phillies won the World Series last night, ending a 25-year "curse" where no sports franchise in the city has won a championship. And, just like other upstanding cities like Boston, the city celebrated by rioting.

I was living in Boston at the time, and remember the riots of 2003. The city rioted twice that year: once for the Patriots winning Superbowl XXXVIII, and once for the Red Sox falling just short of the World Series, losing to the Yankees in 7 games in the ALCS. Of course, in 2004, after the Red Sox stunned the Yanks in 7 games to take the pennant, rioting caused one girl to lose her life.

I'll never understand the mentality of someone who feels the need to cause violence and havoc out of joy, but I think I know at least one factor that prompts them: alcohol. Homer Simpson said it best: "To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

I don't know about you, but when I drink, I don't get violent—I get tired. Drinking beer makes me happy and sleepy, and possibly a little dopey.

My roommate freshman year at BU participated in the riots in Kenmore Square. He told me he helped flip over a car. They then proceeded to light it on fire, but he said he had nothing to do with that. He said it was a lot of fun. I told him that was wonderful, and we did a shot of Jaegermeister.

It takes a very special type of person to find fun in flipping an innocent person's car for no reason. He was a wrestler, Greco-Roman style. He used to come home and show me his latest ringworm, which he got from rolling around in a one-piece on a sweat-soaked mat. The little ring-shaped bulge in his shoulder, or chest, or back looked pretty cool, but I can't imagine it was very healthy.

Friends of his got him a gallon of ultra-cheap Russian vodka for his birthday. I took a shot—it tasted like rubbing alcohol. So instead of joining him for more, I watched as he drank himself into a stupor in our room just for the fun of it. Then we watched The Big Lebowski.

My fondest memory of him came one night as he was returning from a party with his girlfriend. I can't remember if my girlfriend at the time was over or not, but that's irrelevant. Both of them were stupid drunk, but ready to go. I was asleep, but woke up when they walked in and drunkenly turned the light on. I didn't move, and they shut it immediately, so they thought I was still asleep. It wasn't long until I heard moaning, very faint at first, but mounting steadily. Then, "Oohh your dick feels so long and hard inside me!" Followed closely behind by, "sshhhhh!" "Harder! Harder! Faster! Faster!" "SSSHHHH! Shut up!" I stuffed my face into my pillow to stifle the laughter. I couldn't see them, but damn his girlfriend sounded just like a porn star. I never told him about what I heard that night, but the memory will stay with me forever.

Oh yeah, he also peed into bottles and kept them under his desk, because sometimes the bathroom is just too far away. Good times.

Signatures and pulses.

2008-10-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

This was in the signature of an e-mail I received today at work:

"The contents of this e-mail message may be privileged and confidential. Therefore, if this message has been received in error, please delete it without reading it. Your receipt of this message is not intended to waive any applicable privilege. Please do not disseminate this message without the permission of the author."

That seems silly, especially because it was at the bottom of the e-mail, in small type, in the same color as the rest of the e-mail. Essentially unremarkable in any way. There is nothing about the message that would draw your eye to it without first reading the body of the e-mail. How is this supposed to be effective? By the time I read it, I will have already gone through the entire e-mail, and I'll be damned if you think you're going to get me to forget what the e-mail said by using some sort of neural disruptor or pulse emanating from the screen in a steady stream of blinking, multi-colored lights... green... blue... green... blue... green... ooh yellow...

What was I saying? Oh yeah, bacon!

Annoyances

2008-10-08T11:14:00.001-07:00

The phrase is "For all INTENTS AND PURPOSES," not "For all intensive purposes!"

My friends, this is an egregious error. My friends, you are all my heroes, and we are all friendly. You know who isn't friendly? That one.

The debate was a farce. This election is over. Sarah Palin was the best thing to ever happen to Barack Obama.

By the way, I didn't hear either candidate say that phrase incorrectly, I just read it on someone's blog, who was discussing it. It's one of those errors like Statue vs. Statute of Limitations, or improper usage of Their/There/They're, To/Too/Two, and Your/You're that is just unforgivable. Once I can disregard as a typo, but continual improper usage really irks me.

Anyway, I'm not a Grammar Nazi, but the Copy Editing class I'm taking may turn me into one. Damned if I knew before 2 weeks ago what a "dangling participle" was.

Time to go eat myself into a coma, to prepare for the Fast. Goodbye for now, my friends.

#1

2008-10-01T17:12:00.001-07:00

I've been meaning to start a new blog for a while now. I haven't posted to my old Livejournal account in a while, but hopefully I'll be better about keeping up with this.

Rosh Hashana just ended, so the new year of 5769 seems like a great time to start blogging again. Call it my Jewish New Year's Resolution.

Hopefully my musings will be entertaining or enlightening in some way. I'll just post random things that pop up in my head, until I can figure out a direction for this thing to go.

Right now, I think I'll continue building my new wardrobe while watching the season premiere of Life. See you soon!

-- (Dr. B)allon